Free B*tch Baby!

Firstly, excuse the profanity in the title (don't usually use such language, but bitta Gaga hurt no one!)

So, I'm currently sitting in the Student Union at Uni, sipping on Starbucks, (some seriously sexy stuff) waiting for a lift, er yeah, no way am I walking in this black ice.

I cannot describe how I feel (which I guess isn't the best thing if I want a career in writing), but anywhizzleeeee. The exam I was stressing about for weeks is over and done with, woo woo! I feel like someone has stolen all my internal organs - okay wait that sounds weird - but you get the drift. YGM right!?! I Feel lighter, the burden has gone away. KAPEESH!

It's an immensely ace feeling.

You all may be able to relate to this. And you're probably going to view this post as very generic - blah blah - yawn, type thing. However, for me, this means something a teeny weeny bit more than a 'lifted weight' off my shoulders.

Let me invite you to the life of someone who suffers from stress and anxiety. This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. So grab your golden tickets and come on in. I shall not call you again.

Caution: some cray content ahead.

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That one instant. It changed me, my life, thereafter.

Everything started spinning, a dizzy sensation was cast upon me, almost as if I was in a trance. It was weird. I didn't know what was happening to me so suddenly. Scared was an understatement. What was wrong with me? Like an unclothed female in the Antarctic, I began to vigorously shiver. Mum sat me down and possessively grabbed me close to her, rocking me in her arms and caressing me, convincing me I would be okay - but one look at her and I could tell - she was terrified.

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My parents were worried out of their wits, not knowing what came upon their daughter so imposingly. The wait at the docs was painstakingly awful. I felt like a fish out of water, gasping avariciously for oxygen: I had never loved, treasured and needed it so much.

"Oh, she's just having a pretty high panic attack right now, she need's to relax.
I'll give some medication that will last a week, it will help calm you down. Take it twice a day."

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Sh*tty doctors. What the hell was a panic attack? Why was I having it? Was it serious, medication, wait …all this then…what?!

I think that at that point if I was attended to more than a measly two - three minutes and was given an explanation on what was happening to me. I would probably not have got worse. If any of you know anything about anxiety, it is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Dizziness, lightheadedness, heavy-headedness, shallow breathing, hyperventilation, chest pains, palpitations, increased heart-rate, nausea, vomiting, fainting, numbness, intense headaches, insomnia - you name it - I experienced it - consecutively for a couple of months.

I genuinely thought something was wrong with me.

I could not believe that 'stress' or 'fear' was the cause for all these things. Nothing or no one could convince me of it. Surely it was more serious than that?

Anyway, over time I learnt that my body can't handle excess stress and these symptoms were being caused by worry, nerves or fear, which REALLY helped. After realising this, I've been fine ever since! However, there are times when my stress levels rocket (i.e exam time, assignments, other life issues) or my anxiety increases in certain situations.

Sometimes I still get scared that I'd be back in that monstrosity of a cycle. But that's the issue: I have to stop thinking all these negative things, stop stressing, stop fearing. Negativity is poisonous.

It's all in the mind.

I've found that if I constantly dwell on something that's worrying or bothering me or chronically stress about something I make myself very ill, unhappy and just bleurgh. I place myself in a position that's inescapable. It's like stepping into quicksand, once you've taken the step: you find yourself sinking in rapidly and then you're stuck, it's too difficult to get out of.

That's why you should never tell us to 'chill out' or 'stop worrying'. We're just going to wanna punch you in the face. With a brick. We've already taken a step in the sand - you need to make sure we don't go near it, NOT feebly attempt to pull us out afterwards.

If any of you have ever read Miltons's Paradise Lost there's a well known quote said by Satan that I really think to be true: 'The mind itself in its own place, can make a Hell of Heaven, a Heaven of Hell.' Satan is in hell wherever he goes because he believes in doing evil. In his mind, he doesn't feel that he can repent to God, thus creating hell for himself everywhere. This suggests that no matter where you are, you are creating your own problems in your mind. You can make your perfectly good life crappy by stressing, worrying and being a pessimist or you can be calm and positive and try keep yourself happy, even when things are rocky. It's all up to you.

It's all in the mind.

Optimism really helps. I've managed to get some positivity pumping in me and you know what? I actually feel a lot better. I'm just so so keen to try tackle this once and for all. I know I can do it.

As a friend reminded me, we need to realise there's more to life than worrying about grades, work, people or things. These things don't define who we are. We've just got to try our best to be the person we want to be, live the life we want and leave the rest for fate to play. Leave it up to kismat and carry on.

I'm surprised I've shared all this, I've only confided in a very few about this (feel special guyss). Just thought I'd let it out this time. I think something like stress is really undermined. People need to know, yano?

Apparently 70% of the student population go to the docs because of this compared to other things.

So, what do you find helps relax/calm you down?

Remember: the mind is a very powerful tool, control it, before it controls you.

xxx