Living A Nightmare

Ever had a bad dream, or a nightmare? Where you’re screaming, screaming so loud for help, but no one is helping you. You’re yelling so hard, you feel your lungs exploding, your throat bursting, your veins bulging. Your face is rouge and you’re drowning in your own tears. The resonant thumping of your heart is all that your ears are accustomed to. You’re aching to reveal to your family that you need help, desperately. You clamber to the next room and begin nudging your mum to come to the rescue, but something’s not quite right. It’s as if she can’t see you. Your dad is too engrossed in BBC News. And your sibling, well, why bother. 

No one can see or hear you. Your silent screams are futile. Why are you even trying, they wouldn't understand anyway? That heart of yours is echoing to escape, to break free from you, once and for all. That mind wants to be unchained of all those thoughts and worries you constantly poisoned it with. That’s right. You poisoned it. Force-fed it like a stubborn toddler, with potential situations, anxieties, memories even. In the end, all it could do was be in despair. It couldn’t even talk to the heart anymore, nope. They used to be best friends as well. Look what you did. So cold and cruel of you. I know you hate yourself for it. Maybe you deserve it. Couldn’t you have just left them alone? Couldn’t you have just let it be? They would have healed sooner at least. It’s too late now. The venom has captured your soul. It runs in your blood and all throughout your body. Now you’re stuck in this hell of a place and no one can help you.

No one, but yourself. 

Only, you’re poisoned.

Why can’t I wake up?

'If I didn't think, I'd be much happier.' - Silvia Plath

Friend or Faux?

Okay so my mates actually read my blog - thank you gays! One suggested how I should write one about them, so I thought why not write about friendships!

The close friends we make in our lives are inevitably going to be one of the most important relationships we hold. The people we surround ourselves with, have a huge impact on us and sometimes we don't even realise this.

At times, the way we are as individuals can be dependant on how or who our friends are. They really can have a positive or negative effect on us and our lives.

Your true friends are the ones who are with you when times are hard. When you need them the most - they're there. When you need someone to talk to at any time of day - they're there. When you've got yourself in a pickle - they're there. Whatever you go through in life, the ups AND the downs, your true friends will always be there for you. And its amazing to know people who put others first. Count yourself lucky!

However, the sun doesn't shine forever. You may find that for the laughs yeah okay, they're with you, but you've been left alone in certain moments or hardships in life and they aren't the supportive people you need them to be. Well then, let me confirm: they're definitely faux mon chère.

If they never put any effort with you and continuously make excuses that they've just been 'too busy' or you simply feel you cannot reach out to them, then they're not worthy of being your friend. If they care they'll show it, if not, then wave them goodbye (doesn't have to be forever though!)

As hard as it is, when it does come to that point, it's high time to find other company who will not only be there for you, yet possibly even mould you into a better and stronger individual. Now that's far from being faux.

Obviously, one of the hardest things you can do is let go of people who once meant so much, but if you know something's not good for you, you've got to leave it and move on to better things. Bad influences can really ruin people.

This made me laugh!

It's sad, I know. Sometimes some relationships are just not meant to be and losing someone can make you aware of what kind of person you need to be around more, or less. You even learn how you are and should be as an individual. All these things that happen are merely learning processes in life. Kismat (fate), brings people together and can also pull them apart and with each relationship you're certainly taught something or the other.

I'm lucky to have the friends that I have! Actually no, they're lucky to have me, pffft :P

Some I've know for yearss and others I've just made! We laugh, we argue, we cry (well that's mainly me I guess) together. We can talk to each other about pretty much anything - no seriously, like literally, anything! We're kinda like one big family. It's nice. Makes you feel good to be surrounded by such people :)

And that's incredibly important: immersing yourself amongst GOOD people, because, in the end, the people you have in your life can influence the quality of your life.

The people you are always with, is ultimately who you become.

Do you guys agree? xxx

Free B*tch Baby!

Firstly, excuse the profanity in the title (don't usually use such language, but bitta Gaga hurt no one!)

So, I'm currently sitting in the Student Union at Uni, sipping on Starbucks, (some seriously sexy stuff) waiting for a lift, er yeah, no way am I walking in this black ice.

I cannot describe how I feel (which I guess isn't the best thing if I want a career in writing), but anywhizzleeeee. The exam I was stressing about for weeks is over and done with, woo woo! I feel like someone has stolen all my internal organs - okay wait that sounds weird - but you get the drift. YGM right!?! I Feel lighter, the burden has gone away. KAPEESH!

It's an immensely ace feeling.

You all may be able to relate to this. And you're probably going to view this post as very generic - blah blah - yawn, type thing. However, for me, this means something a teeny weeny bit more than a 'lifted weight' off my shoulders.

Let me invite you to the life of someone who suffers from stress and anxiety. This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. So grab your golden tickets and come on in. I shall not call you again.

Caution: some cray content ahead.

****************************************************

That one instant. It changed me, my life, thereafter.

Everything started spinning, a dizzy sensation was cast upon me, almost as if I was in a trance. It was weird. I didn't know what was happening to me so suddenly. Scared was an understatement. What was wrong with me? Like an unclothed female in the Antarctic, I began to vigorously shiver. Mum sat me down and possessively grabbed me close to her, rocking me in her arms and caressing me, convincing me I would be okay - but one look at her and I could tell - she was terrified.

                           ****************************************************
My parents were worried out of their wits, not knowing what came upon their daughter so imposingly. The wait at the docs was painstakingly awful. I felt like a fish out of water, gasping avariciously for oxygen: I had never loved, treasured and needed it so much.

"Oh, she's just having a pretty high panic attack right now, she need's to relax.
I'll give some medication that will last a week, it will help calm you down. Take it twice a day."

****************************************************

Sh*tty doctors. What the hell was a panic attack? Why was I having it? Was it serious, medication, wait …all this then…what?!

I think that at that point if I was attended to more than a measly two - three minutes and was given an explanation on what was happening to me. I would probably not have got worse. If any of you know anything about anxiety, it is a vicious, vicious cycle.

Dizziness, lightheadedness, heavy-headedness, shallow breathing, hyperventilation, chest pains, palpitations, increased heart-rate, nausea, vomiting, fainting, numbness, intense headaches, insomnia - you name it - I experienced it - consecutively for a couple of months.

I genuinely thought something was wrong with me.

I could not believe that 'stress' or 'fear' was the cause for all these things. Nothing or no one could convince me of it. Surely it was more serious than that?

Anyway, over time I learnt that my body can't handle excess stress and these symptoms were being caused by worry, nerves or fear, which REALLY helped. After realising this, I've been fine ever since! However, there are times when my stress levels rocket (i.e exam time, assignments, other life issues) or my anxiety increases in certain situations.

Sometimes I still get scared that I'd be back in that monstrosity of a cycle. But that's the issue: I have to stop thinking all these negative things, stop stressing, stop fearing. Negativity is poisonous.

It's all in the mind.

I've found that if I constantly dwell on something that's worrying or bothering me or chronically stress about something I make myself very ill, unhappy and just bleurgh. I place myself in a position that's inescapable. It's like stepping into quicksand, once you've taken the step: you find yourself sinking in rapidly and then you're stuck, it's too difficult to get out of.

That's why you should never tell us to 'chill out' or 'stop worrying'. We're just going to wanna punch you in the face. With a brick. We've already taken a step in the sand - you need to make sure we don't go near it, NOT feebly attempt to pull us out afterwards.

If any of you have ever read Miltons's Paradise Lost there's a well known quote said by Satan that I really think to be true: 'The mind itself in its own place, can make a Hell of Heaven, a Heaven of Hell.' Satan is in hell wherever he goes because he believes in doing evil. In his mind, he doesn't feel that he can repent to God, thus creating hell for himself everywhere. This suggests that no matter where you are, you are creating your own problems in your mind. You can make your perfectly good life crappy by stressing, worrying and being a pessimist or you can be calm and positive and try keep yourself happy, even when things are rocky. It's all up to you.

It's all in the mind.

Optimism really helps. I've managed to get some positivity pumping in me and you know what? I actually feel a lot better. I'm just so so keen to try tackle this once and for all. I know I can do it.

As a friend reminded me, we need to realise there's more to life than worrying about grades, work, people or things. These things don't define who we are. We've just got to try our best to be the person we want to be, live the life we want and leave the rest for fate to play. Leave it up to kismat and carry on.

I'm surprised I've shared all this, I've only confided in a very few about this (feel special guyss). Just thought I'd let it out this time. I think something like stress is really undermined. People need to know, yano?

Apparently 70% of the student population go to the docs because of this compared to other things.

So, what do you find helps relax/calm you down?

Remember: the mind is a very powerful tool, control it, before it controls you.

xxx

I'm a Little Snowflake.

For those of you who somehow haven't stepped out of your house, gazed out of a window or checked your Twitter or Facebook feeds. Let me tell you, it's snowingggggg!

I used to be so fascinated by snow. I'd wake up to see a certain brightness gleaming from my blinds and would immediately want to get outside and play in this angelic weather.
Don't get me wrong, I still do like it, but recently, I see it more as a nuisance than anything. And I have yet to enjoy it after my exams and assignments are in. Boo.

Nonetheless, I never fail to be amazed by its beauty. It has this certain freshness to it. It's so pure. As far as clichés go, it covers the whole world in a white blanket.

As I dazed outside I saw one or two tiny snowflakes encaptured by a spider web. So dainty and precious they were, that I feared the wind would instantly annihilate them.

And then I got a bit annoyed. How can something so beautiful be simplified to just a 'white blanket'?!

The snowflakes were all so unique and intricate, so pretty in their own way, yet so delicate, so fragile - that with one ultimate touch they could melt. Just like us. Like individuals.

At first glance of a person, we notice their outer beauty, how they appear to be.

She's beautiful, so radiant, has the prettiest smile I've seen. He's handsome, so strong, with the most amazing eyes. And we all fall in love with these generalised individuals.

I think that's a big problem. Sometimes we don't get closer and we fail to know them. When we do, we notice there's more, a whole load more of complex patterns: a personality to be discovered.

Like the snow she's beautiful, like the snowflake, she has designs of her own.

She's funny and naive. Smart and stubborn. Though, she too, is delicate. She has been affected by life's wind. Stamped all over by the footsteps.
And with a word, with silence, with actions, can melt. In an instant.


She's fragile.



Things are never what they seem to be and sometimes it's important we try and get closer, learn more. Yet, regardless of how much we know something or someone, we must always be cautious, one touch and they could break.

We must handle them with care.

With that, we should learn to accept people the way they are, at their best and at their worst. We should admire their beauty, but love their identity.

Its the same with life. I feel it's too generalised, seen as one big notion, when really it has so many finer details that we should cherish and work on.

Anyway, I'm going to end this post with another cliché: never judge a book by its cover. Read it, understand it. Love it. And if it's not your thing, don't read it in the first place - put it down - gently, with love.

The snow is so prettaaaaay! But the snowflakes are just quite something else I really can't explain.

Drink. Think. Do.

Day dreamer. That's me. Forever wondering. Forever attempting to solve the complex intricacies of life.
Sometimes I like to think of it as being a superhero, (preferably Catwoman, because she FIESTYYY! Oh and I like pretending to be a cat,) figuring out where we go wrong, how we can make it right. You know, trying to make the world a better place for us to live in an' all?

The wonderer.

'OI you! Stop zonking out all the time!'

If I got a piece of choccy for every time someone said that to me. I'd be mega obese.

I'd have a mate talking to me and i'd just zone out, thinking about something that happened that day, or something that could happen or whatever. (Or maybe I have boring friends? - Guys if you're reading this I'm messing and you know I have lotsa lovin' for you xox)

And then it hit me. BAM. It hit me in the face, just like an angry sister who found out her phone had been dropped and smashed... Erm yeah, it was an accident.

We may think about various things and aspects in our life, but do we actually DO?

The things that have gone wrong for us, do we sit there and dwell or do we attempt to actually CHANGE?

I don't just wonder, but I dream. I imagine my future, what I want, where I want to be. At first I'd think about the impossible. Nahhhh I'd never be able to achieve that. I'd never be able to get that job. But in essence, nothing is impossible if you believe so. If you limit yourself you won't achieve anything beyond that. DREAM BIG. Go beyond what you think you can do. There's no harm in it. Picture yourself in the position you want to be. Sometimes when you see that others have what you wish for, it helps. It makes you get off your a*se and grab that opportunity to make your dream, your reality.

Being idle will get you nowhere. 

You have to get out there and start somewhere, anywhere. The notion of making a move, even if its an inkling means you're putting a step in the right direction. You've got to try and try and try. Remember it will take time, maybe a lot of it, yet with perseverance you'll get there hopefully. It's better than wasting time and sitting in front of the telly watching re-runs of Come Dine with me, right?

Anyway this is just something that popped into my head while attempting to write my essay. Got the thought and name of this post from the back of a Lucuzade bottle. Ahh good ol' Lukey, didn't give me energy but gave me something to write!

Now I have S-Club 7's: Reach for the stars in my head! Damn. Better get back to assignmenting now.

Always try your best and if you don't get there, try again. And if you STILL don't get there. Remember there's a good reason for it. It's Kismat xxoxx

Those Things Called 'Humans'.

I'm going to try avoid going off on a rant in this post. But let's face it, we all have our days where we just hate people. We have enough of everyone, everything and just wish we could be alone. Me time.

They annoy us, they hurt us, they hate us, they criticise us, they're jealous of us or they judge us and this makes us in return, lose faith in mankind.

Around 7 billion people in the world and all it takes is one to change your opinion on them.

At secondary school, I was in a class of - at the time - what were immature girls. Being hardly any other coloured people in my form, I encountered racist remarks, b*tchyness and a whole load of other things. This would get to me really bad. I hated school at the start. I didn't understand why they were like that. In the end, I managed to stop caring and that's when it all got better.

Ironically however, it's mainly the ones close to us that transform our opinions on people. That's not how it's supposed to be right? They're meant to love us and see us happy.

No it's not supposed to be like that. Our nearest and dearest are the main ones that effect us, all because we care, we care the most about them.

Personally, I find that I care too much about everything and anything. Being a sensitive individual, all it takes is one little remark, one action and I'm deeply wounded. And the worst part is, I'm the only one caring. How can people be so hard-hearted? I think about this a lot, because I'd feel completely awful if I hurt someone, I like to see them happy. Although sometimes I wish I was like that. Cold. Heartless. Ignorant. It would mean I wouldn't get hurt. Selfish yes, yet it's better than being wounded.

People, be it jealousy or hatred or whatever reason, want to see you down. They like to see you fall and take pleasure in the pain it gives you. It gives them a sense of pride, they've accomplished something - they've got to you.

And that's the biggest mistake you can make.

Recently, I was feeling utterly worthless and crap, (urgh the things those humans can do to you) and my big brother gave me some good advice. He told me that people will always make you sad, bring you down and reminded me that I shouldn't feel like that because those who care know I'm a lovely person at heart and fun to be around. He told me to not let it get to me, to 'stand tall and show two fingers to the world.'

That's what we should do. Stop thinking about others and just live your life. Show them you're happy. The moment you start caring is the moment it will get to you.

It is a whole lot worse when it is those close to you though.

Don't you sometimes wish that there was no one else. That you could escape to a far away place, free yourself from these creatures and start afresh? I do.

Admittedly, to stop caring is something I really struggle with. I'm hoping I'll eventually get there. I want to be the girl with the 'I dont give a crap' attitude. Ha. Anyway, we've all got to try right?

I guess the kindness of humanity is all one needs to prosper.

Shame there are a few imbeciles who spoil it for us. *Sigh*

Why Do We Still Hold Onto Things That Hurt?

To be honest, I wish I could give you or myself a clear concise answer, but it's really a lot more intricate than that.

We may keep a tight grasp on things, people, memories, places and they hurt. They hurt because we don't have them anymore and it's that feeling of loss, that grieving sensation that kills us inside.

So why do we mull over these things that murder our happiness? Why would we be so stupid to even do that to ourselves? Well, let's analyse this in terms of a drug.

People take illegal drugs because of the feeling it gives them. They get high, they're happy, in a trance. For a moment they're in a perfect world of their own,  blissfully ignorant about anything else. Nothing can go wrong. It supplies them with a buzz, feeds them with an ecstatic sensation that they dream to be eternal. Imagine life being like that all the time.

This goes for the same for whatever we are clenching tightly in our clutches. We loved the ecstasy it let us delve into making us crave to go back to that moment, to experience that perfect time of bliss again. But we can't. And that's where the pain cunningly creeps in. We can't go back to it. We miss that feeling. We fear that we won't get it back. It's almost as if we need it again. That's when it hurts, bad.


Ultimately, it's a little paradox of its own.
We hold on to be happy.


How do we stop though? It's not that simple and it may never be. We have to eventually try to let go and create new memories. Find new things, explore new places, take a new drug perhaps.

Of course, cherish the old. It was and always will be a part of us and something in our life we desired at the time. And as they say, 'where there is pain there is gain.'

Let's use this pain to change us, but let it not empower us.

"I have memories, but only a fool stores his past in the future." - David Gerrold. I like that quote.


Free ourselves.
xoxo